featured gif via PopSugar
Every year, ABC Family does a ’25/26 days of Christmas’ schedule, airing all kinds of yuletide schmatta. Actors and actresses, in need of paychecks star in movies with titles that are their own punchlines. They warm hearts, or something. Must be the eggnog.
Here at GWW, we want to broaden your horizons of nonsense (note: add that to our mission statement). Rather than direct you to this typical, terrible fare, we seek to show you distinctly new rubbish. So join us, for the updating list (in no particular order but our own) – 26 DAYS OF HOLIDAY JUNK:
1.) The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
The timing is appropriate. This special? Not so much. Weird piled on bad idea piled on garbage. Yikes. Here’s Bea Arthur singing, though…
What in the firery hells?
2.) Elf-Man (2012)
I… I just don’t know. Yes, that is Jason ‘Wee Man’ Acuña. He is an elf. Who gets left behind. Who realizes he has special powers. And becomes a superhero? This was a difficult ‘film’ to research for many reasons. The trailer is… ‘dramatic.‘ Readily available at Amazon for that gift for that person you hate in the office, I guess?
3.) I’ll Be Home For Christmas (1998)
Randy Taylor Simba Jonathan Taylor Thomas, the first line of the synopsis (via IMDb) for this Disney movie might make you chuckle:
“A college student experiences difficulty in getting home for Christmas after being hazed by his friends.”
Whoa-oa-oa Disney gettin’ edgy for the college crowd… or something. Gary Cole plays JTT’s Dad, who is sadly not Reese Bobby (though that gives me a wonderful spin-off idea – call me, agents of Jonathan Taylor Thomas). Jessica Biel is present, too, still beautiful and PT (pre-Timberlake). Classic bad late-90s Disney movie. We hope JTT is doing well(ish) these days.
4.) Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer: The Movie (1998)
6.) Holiday in Handcuffs (2007)
If “ABC Family TV movie starring Melissa Joan Hart & Mario Lopez…” doesn’t have you sold? She kidnaps some random customer. From her place of work. And takes him to a family holiday weekend in an isolated cabin in the woods. Love it when ABC Fam gets dark.
We suppose the premise isn’t ENTIRELY crazy, as someone has certainly tried to kidnap Mario Lopez and pass him off as a new BF at least 3 times before. Add a blizzard, some wolves and Eli Roth and you have quite the compelling horror-thriller.
7.) Christmas Evil (1980)
(also known as ‘You Better Watch Out’)
“A psycho in a Santa suit gets to decide who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.” -IMDb
Just your classic holiday family fun. Ensures the kids are excited to see Santa!
8.) The Polar Express (2004)
No no no. This hybrid live-action-CGI catastrophe is scarier than any holiday-themed horror movie we could ever find.
Tis a shame, too. I still love Chris Van Allsburg’s artwork.
9.) The ‘Santa Clause’ sequels.
The first movie in this ‘series’ was and still is cute fun, especially for the nostalgic types, or maybe that’s just us and our well-worn VHS copy.
The abominations that followed are worse than coal – and not even the most shameless sequels on the list….
10.) Santa With Muscles (1996)
Here is the brilliantly on-point synopsis: “An evil millionaire (Hulk Hogan) gets amnesia and then believes that he is Santa Claus.”
So you know this is a classic… brother.